yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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