New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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