Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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