Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
