Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
