Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
