Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
