My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
be right there i have to get my cape
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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