life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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