When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
