come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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