Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
