I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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