i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
