I wish I could teleport
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
