seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
