It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
