Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
