By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize