**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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