I hate your face
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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