I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
