Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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