U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
