You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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