god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
