Jerry, you need to find god
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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