Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
