You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize