I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I stole a fireplace last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
