Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
