At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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