It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
