I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
