I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
