I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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