Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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