I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
