Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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