Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
