its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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