im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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