Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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