What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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