i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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