I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
