it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
