just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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