I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
