i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
