I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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