another moral hangover. fuck.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize