i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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