if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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