can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
