Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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